Oh my fanny!


I’m about to say a dirty word. Are you ready? Brace yourself. Fanny Pack! Yes mam, the fanny pack is back. I’m also about to admit one of my deepest, darkest secrets that could get me sent to fashion reform school. I am secretly happy to see the return of the fanny pack. There it’s been said. I’ve put it out there in the universe and a dusty one it is.

Designers from Louis Vuitton to Gucci to Chloe to Channel have taken a leap of faith and sent the bum bags down the catwalk despite your  “whyyyy, whyyyy, whyyyyys?”

So if I’m hearing you correctly, you ask why? Well the short answer is because it’s so freakin’ useful. Hands-free is no laughing matter ladies. Despite being the butt of the joke for decades on end, who’s laughing now when you walk a pulling dog or balance an umbrella, or walk a pulling dog while balancing an umbrella and try to juggle keys and a cell phone while you are at it. Not funny. The fanny pack helps you reach your goal of becoming the pack leader.

Don’t backpacks serve the same purpose, you ask? No sir, no mam. Because the silly backpacks are behind you. I double dog dare you to try and shimmy that backpack off with leash in one hand, umbrella in the other, on a pouring rain day. Not gonna happen without getting a little wet and without doing a little bit of that awkward shake. The fanny pack is where it’s at. Just a quick twist to the front and slide to the right and there are your keys and dog treats. Ta dah!

So you are thinking the fanny pack is clearly for the dogs? ‘Tis not!

The fanny pack proves that it’s worth its weight in gold when you are at the club. Don’t you hate toting your handbag around all night? I certainly do. What do you do when the DJ puts on your favourite song and you are ready to bust out some of your best moves? You don’t want to risk leaving it on a table. And who wants to put it down on the sticky dance floor? We’ve all done that and the purse has never quite been the same. I once had a pack of mean girls eyeballin’ my girl squad’s handbags and one said out loud “watch the Louis'” (I can still hear her cackle-y, evil voice) as one by one, all five of them proceeded to each “accidentally” trip over and hoof the beauties a couple of feet from our dance circle. I’m calling BS on the “oops, sorry.” So that brings me back to the fanny pack. Nobody is going to accidentally kick the fanny pack unless you are asking for it, but if that’s the case than that’s on you.

My next point is security. The fanny pack can instantly become the pooch pack when you are travelling and is easily one of the most secure places to store your travelling valuables. Unless someone is going for your organs, nobody is going to snatch the pack right under your pancreas.

All that being said, fanny packs aren’t just for dog walks and tourists. If you are going to make yourself vulnerable to the jokes, you better do it right. And that means wearing it when you look fabulous. Don’t even think of adding it when you are looking a little too comfy or a little too retro, but not in a good way. And I wouldn’t dream of suggesting you pick yourself up a run of the mill, bland, nylon fanny pack. Look towards the evolution of the what once was and land upon the nouveau fanny pack, so nouveau in fact that let’s call it the hip bag.

Have I managed to convert the unconverted? It’s up to you to say “I do take thee fanny pack to be my trusted carrier. To have and to hold some of my most valuable possessions, and some that have less value. I take thee for richer or poorer, like when I have money and when I do not, in sickness (this in not a moment of temporary insanity, I swear) and in health (your shoulders and wrists will thank you) til the end of  its days when it gets tired, distressed or returns as the not-so-fashionable joke.

It’s up to you ladies and gentleman to be the deciding “It Bag” factor. Will you accept the dare and take this fashion risk? Free yourself!

Carolyn Bissett